I’ve been a little down on the political candidates for president, and I really thought there was nobody I could get behind. Until…

Jonathon. This man has it together, he’s got his agenda down, and he’s got his head about him. He might reference Annakin Skywalker a few too many times, but as a Star Wars fan, I certainly understand.

He lacks political experience, but his ties to the Dark Lord more than makes up for that.

Stance on criminals? Impale them.

Stance on terrorists? Impale them.

Stance on babies? Impale them.

Impale high gas prices. Impale Native American Indians. Impale everyone.

He’s the chosen candidate for the VWP party, and he’s the candidate for me!

Visit JonathonTheImpalerForPresident2008.us for more info.

DO IT. YOUR DARK MASTER COMMANDS YOU!

After much debate, and after seeing the other candidates, I have decided to throw MY hat into the ring and run for the highest office in the land.

My Qualifications:

I may lack political experience, but I do have testicles made of pure brass.

I can’t balance my checkbook, but I’ll buy anyone a beer.

I am devilishly handsome and have a way with the ladies.

One word: KIELBASA.

I regularly snap and post pitiful complaints about the state of the world.

I wear boots that are made for walkin’.

I’m not afraid to flip old people off in traffic for no real reason.

I have a criminal record and I evade taxes.

I am honestly the most dishonest person you know.

Things I Promise if Elected:

We won’t need healthcare, because the pure golden light that shines from my eyes will end all sickness.

I’d invite President Ahmadinejad over for tea and then beat him with a sack of oranges and put him in the basement with the gimp.

War on terror? NO! How can you have war on anyone after I’ve bombed the rest of the world into little bits of charcoal and broken glass?

We would not be dependent on foreign oil, since we’d annex the rest of the planet after I’ve wiped everyone out.

Our education would be the best ever, since I would re-write all the books to be essentially stories about Super Mario and how much ass I kick.

Huey Lewis would be my running mate.

I would change my name to Ill Duce 2.

No fat chicks.

I would only use cigars appropriately. We all know they’re for disciplining children.

One rocking kegger at the inauguration.

So - Vote Jimdiggity in 08. You could do a helluva lot worse - and you have before.