Stolen From The Times-Union
Artimus Pyle, a former drummer for legendary rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd, was arrested Monday afternoon on a charge of failure of a sex offender to properly register, the St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office announced today.

good old days Arrest Photo

The 59-year-old, whose real name is Thomas Delmer Pyle, lives in Asheville, N.C., according to the Sheriff’s Office. He remains in the St. Johns County jail in lieu of $10,000 bail.

Pyle pleaded guilty in 1993 in Duval County on charges of attempted capital sexual battery by an adult on a victim younger than 12 and principal to lewd and lascivious on a child younger than 16. He was sentenced to eight years of probation and designated as a sex offender. He was arrested in 1992 after two girls — 4- and 8-year-old sisters — told investigators Pyle had sex with them.

He is accused of renewing his driver’s license last month in Florida and listing a St. Johns County address. Because of his requirement to register as a sex offender in Florida, the records automatically forwarded to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement sex offender database.

During routine maintenance of the Sheriff’s Office Offender Watch program, it was discovered Pyle had not registered in person properly as required by Florida law, according to the Sheriff’s Office. Detective Kevin Kier attempted to verify the address given on his driver’s license and discovered he had not lived there for many years.

Attempts were made to locate sex offender registrations in other states, but the Sheriff’s Office said Pyle had not registered since 2001. Kier determined he had moved to Asheville. North Carolina authorities said Pyle advised them that he resided in Florida.

He was advised to register as a sex offender in his current state of residency, but he has since failed to change his address and register in person as required by Florida law, the Sheriff’s Office said. Pyle was arrested Monday when he came to the Sheriff’s Office to speak with the detective.

Last night, while my little Clone Trooper and Strawberry Shortcake went door-to-door acting as my unknowing candy mules, something dawned on me that I’ve known deep down for a good, long while.

Tootsie Rolls simultaneously suck and blow.

They’re chocolate, but not really. They’re an assault on my candy sensibilities, and they’re an insult to my sweet-tooth.

These waxy, chewy, gross little logs are dead weight and wasted space in the Halloween bags of many children across the world, and how the Tootsie company has foisted this crap off as edible and delicious is quite possibly one of the biggest coups in the world of crap advertising and marketing - EVER.

We have no less than a half pound of this crap now, and I’m not sure what to do with it. It’s not even a viable backup sugar source for me. When there’s nothing else in the house, and I have the shakes and I’m considering eating the lid off the 8 year old bottle of Caro syrup, I will pass up the Tootsie Rolls and go for anything that’s even close to sweet.

So - what to do with these rubbery, crown-killing, turd-shaped lumps of crap?

A few suggestions:

1. Roof patching
2. Punishment for the kids
3. Throwing at passing cars
4. Clogging toilets
5. Bullet hole patches for my living room
6. Fake cat turds to scare the wife
7. Sculpting worthless art

I am offering all the Tootsie Rolls you can carry to the first taker. If you can prove to me that this stuff is worth the space on the Earth that it is taking up, I will salute you. If you can prove to me that anyone in the world actually likes this horrible, candy-like, chocolate-esque substance, I will have you committed to the nearest padded room.