Last night, while my little Clone Trooper and Strawberry Shortcake went door-to-door acting as my unknowing candy mules, something dawned on me that I’ve known deep down for a good, long while.

Tootsie Rolls simultaneously suck and blow.

They’re chocolate, but not really. They’re an assault on my candy sensibilities, and they’re an insult to my sweet-tooth.

These waxy, chewy, gross little logs are dead weight and wasted space in the Halloween bags of many children across the world, and how the Tootsie company has foisted this crap off as edible and delicious is quite possibly one of the biggest coups in the world of crap advertising and marketing - EVER.

We have no less than a half pound of this crap now, and I’m not sure what to do with it. It’s not even a viable backup sugar source for me. When there’s nothing else in the house, and I have the shakes and I’m considering eating the lid off the 8 year old bottle of Caro syrup, I will pass up the Tootsie Rolls and go for anything that’s even close to sweet.

So - what to do with these rubbery, crown-killing, turd-shaped lumps of crap?

A few suggestions:

1. Roof patching
2. Punishment for the kids
3. Throwing at passing cars
4. Clogging toilets
5. Bullet hole patches for my living room
6. Fake cat turds to scare the wife
7. Sculpting worthless art

I am offering all the Tootsie Rolls you can carry to the first taker. If you can prove to me that this stuff is worth the space on the Earth that it is taking up, I will salute you. If you can prove to me that anyone in the world actually likes this horrible, candy-like, chocolate-esque substance, I will have you committed to the nearest padded room.